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25 December 2003 @ 01:21 am
First things first  

     Starting the new year a week early, because I also live. And grow, and search for those of you who want to share life. I have called some of you my friends, though I don't know you-this is a measure of trust. In case you have not yet been invited, let me welcome you into the Tribe-this is a small gift on a day meant for giving. I would also welcome you home, but here in Tarrant County there are no National Forests; only living rooms, vacant lots, and back alleys-this is the price of progress. Instead, allow me to introduce myself: I am Roger Dale Reynolds, dreamer of infinite dreams-this is just the beginning...

     It's Christmas morning, and I've already received a present. A week ago, I'd never heard of LiveJournal; a month before, I didn't know the term blog. Yet here I am, and all because of a late night movie on cable. Don't laugh, it'll get you too! Dare I name it? The Rules of Attraction. I'm not the kind of person to worship at the feet of the gods of Hollywood, martyr myself for the Inde revolution, or stroll down the streets of Austin, ranting and raving; so don't expect me to say this was the endallbeall of human existence-it wasn't. But when she laid out her rings and razor on the white porcelan, my tears began to flow.

     The one character with whom I identified-I have served the food that brings no nourishment, I have written notes to people who look but do not see, I have watched from corners as they walked through the wrong doors-the one girl whose voice I wished to hear the most (they say she's not even an actor, but a model) did the one thing I've never myself considered. Backwards or forwards, any way you want to look at it, the plot was not genius, merely truth. She's a face on a screen, like a million others, and she, like many of the others, begged me to reach in and change the script; but the book and the screenplay had already been written and the casting director didn't know my name. I loved the movie, yet I will never watch it again.

     After it was over (one can only imagine the last unuttered thought-myself, I saw screaming white death on the road alone) I went online to Google a name to the face, but found instead imdb criticism and a world of open wounds. So I was not the only one she touched. In the midst of disbelief suspended, I had to remind myself that she was not She; that the One does not live on celluloid spools or reside here (where exactly is here?) in the backandforth www. But I'm still not convinced.

     The search for her branched out into a search for why (not the plotwise why, but the universal why); so many have shown her the way, so many will follow. There were plenty of 'why not's in the forms of poetry and song and even more 'why did's in the forms of manifesto and speculation; nevertheless, it eventually became clear to me that, for those who have lost all reasons (and to paraphrase in words fitting our generation), do or do not- there is no why.

     So I gave up that search; by then the images were just images and the characters were just characters. Yet somewhere along the way, and perhaps some hacker out there following my myriad pointandclicks might be able to show you exactly where, I came across someone who had an answer that I already knew to a better question. I knew it because it's an answer that I and all of you reading this share. I didn't really need to know why she killed herself; all I needed to know was that I can still ask that question becauseilive</span>.

     Thank you for leaving your writing in the sand for me to see as I came surfing by. I'll try to keep asking questions-this is the obligation of the living.

 
 
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Megancranaspen on December 25th, 2003 06:45 pm (UTC)
synchronicity
It's interesting where life leads you, Roger. I suggest reading the book Consider the Butterfly by Carol Lynn Pearson. It is about synchronicity. It was only a few days ago that Jac put Rules of Attraction in her interests. Interesting that you found her. Found someone who lives to live.

Another synchronicity--a friend and I always use the name Roger when referring to one another and to ourselves. Yet, neither of us have ever known a Roger. In fact, yesterday, this same friend referred to Jac as Roger.

If she chooses to interact with you, feel privileged. It will definitely be an experience unlike any other. A journey that few are special/fortunate/lucky enough to go on. Her mind is beautiful. I love it. I am sure you have seen glimpses of it in her journal. Keep reading. And enjoy.

rogerdrrogerdr on December 25th, 2003 07:53 pm (UTC)
Re: synchronicity
Indeed, my name appears in just about every military and scifi movie ever made ;)
But I prefer serendipity. I've seen by some of your postings that you must already be a devoted fan of Jac. 'S good to know she isn't the only one who has honored me with a response. All this morning I've been roaming throughout the LJ-verse and it is much more massive than I had expected; I think I'll probably be spending most of my energy rummaging through its bookshelves and attic trunks, at least until I settle in. It's simply incredible that I'm on my 6th computer, been through the chat ringer, even tried my hand at webcamming, and never noticed LJ. Truly, the internet is a neverending supply of novelty. BBL8R
Jaclyn Mariebecauseilive on December 25th, 2003 08:13 pm (UTC)
Merry Christmas. Thank you for the gift of words, it is one of the best things to receive, in my opinion.